Recently, the theater where I serve as Literary Manager asked me to write and perform an introduction to a piece that was being performed. The piece was about Craigslist. I thought, “I could write a ton on Craigslist! Hell, the topic is ripe!” I considered just what I would perform and realized that this might just be my opportunity to finally make my move towards stand-up comedy.
For those of you who might not know, I’ve wanted to perform stand-up for years. Hell, every guy in my family has. The thing is, most of us… none of us are any funny. We suck. At least, that’s what I’ve told myself every time that dream pokes its head out from my subconscious. I say, “You can’t. You suck,” and push it down deep for a great dose of colon cancer later in life.
But not this time…
Until, of course, I found out they weren’t going to have me do it, after all. And the piece died a dull, quiet death.
… until now! I thought, “Hell, post it on the friggin’ blog, you lunkhead!” And that’s exactly what I’m going to do. What follows is my first piece of stand-up, which was almost performed and almost launched me into…
Welcome to ……, a celebration of everything that’s…
Wow, how to explain this…
There’s weird, which would be right about… here… and then there’s…
Craigslist started in 1995 as an email distribution list for friends in the San Francisco Bay…
Actually, I need to go back a bit. Because Craigslist might have started in ‘95 but it was founded on a rich history of want ads and really, really want ads and just plain fucking desperation that dates back well into legend.
In Ancient Greece, the marbled walls of academies were often marked profusely with requests for cheap housing, for roommates, old furniture and sex with boys. In the storied colosseums of Rome, you could find listings for gladiators who would fight for a fee, skilled handymen who would till your land for a fee - hell, they’d do anything for a fee. Ancient Rome - Modern Rome - hell, just a short drive up to Naples and I promise you won’t mind paying for gas or drinks or meth. Whatever works.
At its core, Craigslist is designed with the most altruistic of objectives. Just look at the site sometime. Sure, they have personals but it starts with Strictly Platonic relationships. You can also find real estate, roommates, and rentals.
In the personals section, you can meet the love of your life, be they man or woman. And you can look for employment.
The personals section allows you to meet other consenting adults - I could go online right now and meet a beautiful woman and do, you know, whatever I like. And I think it also has a section for resumes.
I can meet couples or groups of women - hell, I could meet men. What’s it matter? I’m an adult, right? I mean, sure. It’s not E-Harmony but sometimes you don’t want E-Harmony, right? Oh, and I think they sell used shit on Craigslist, too.
I could meet men and women and trannies and fucking crackheads fucking for - who cares what they’re fucking for? They’re fucking! That’s all that matters. Oh, and you can find car mechanics or some shit like that, too.
I can hook up with trannies who will dress like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz or The Chief from Get Smart. It doesn’t fucking matter. I can fuck The Chief from Get Smart who is dressed like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, just as long as I come up with money for blow and Courvoisier and, you know, whatever they want. My point is it doesn’t cost too much and… There are also discussion forums.
Craigslist has changed the way we meet and interact. It has altered the fundaments of society.
People used to say they read Playboy for the articles - or Penthouse for the articles - or… OC Weekly for the articles. Well, Craigslist didn’t have any fucking articles.
Craigslist dared you to tell people you were using it to find a deal on a sofa, or a new car, or a job. Sure. A job. A blowjob.
And there is a rich and storied history behind this. Sure, you can start with rags like the OC Weekly - don’t tell me you don’t know someone who turns right to the back section where the strippers are listed to see if their sister or brother or mom has found a job - but this goes even further back!
I knew a kid once. Okay, when I was a kid back in the 1970’s, shitty little newspapers featuring adult listings used to be sold in newspaper stands on the street. There were loads of them with titles like Swinger News, Lifestyles, Amigo, Freshmen, Velvet, Xcitement, Tied'N'Teased, Boink, Adult Connection, Fling, Lonely Housewives - my point is there were a lot of them. This was long before the Internet. This was when you actually had to leave your home to see a classified listing for what actually might be a real human being wanting actual sex in a sick, twisted, disgusting, possibly life endangering way - and, being teenaged boys, we were interested, of course.
But some idiot adult didn’t want us getting into them. Worse, because these papers were usually too expensive for our meager allowances to afford, they made it impossible to pry open the news rack and steal copies. They built in these metal slats so you couldn’t reach up because the metal stopped your hand from getting to the newspaper.
So, this kid reaches up into the news stand when his friends are holding the door open just three inches so he can snake his hand in - until they get spotted and run away, leaving him trapped like some kind of pervert in a bear trap.
Fortunately, Craigslist saved us from all of this. With Craigslist, you could find sluts and ho’s and pro’s of any gender, persuasion, distinction, origin, or inclination. Thanks to listings for “Adult Services” you could find anything from a massage parlour rub&tug to an actual cop dressed like a prostitute. You could spend anywhere from $500 to, you know, $40 and a bottle of Boone’s Farm and a pack of Camels and get anything. And I mean anything.
But they finally discontinued this service. I can’t really explain why. Perhaps it went against everything the Internet was intended for: Cheap sex at low, low prices.
Craigslist, however, remains. It remains with the fat guys looking for whatever long term relationship money can buy and the women who will provide them. It remains with the cat ladies who want a man who will tie her up and love the lord. It remains with the “straight” men who have built elaborate gloryholes in their garages.
You ask yourself, “Who’s the type of person to develop a website like that?” I’ll tell you who the type of person to develop a website like that is, the type of person who gets his hand trapped between two sharp sheets of rusting sheet metal.
I still have the fucking scars!
And so, I feel a certain kindred spirit with Craig and thank him for bringing us a place where you can find women who will shit on you at very low hourly rates.
Where you can find directions to a condo filled with swingers and learn all about their new interest in beading.
Where you can still find anonymous folks who will happily stick things up your butt and, no, they won’t even charge you.
And there are some weird people posting things, too.
Tonight, we celebrate the weird. We wallow in the weird. This is …
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